Written · August 26, 2018
Reclaiming Your Softness and Strength Through Discussing Pleasure, Desire and Sex
As women, we rarely have conversations about our own pleasure and satisfaction in our sex lives. If we do talk about those things, we keep them within our own friendship circles and rarely extend them to a larger communal conversation. Sex is something to be enjoyed; we all come from it, we all exist because of it.
As a lightskin woman, I am used to walking into co-ed spaces and feeling entirely over-sexualized and objectified. I have never been able to find a space where I can openly talk about my sexual experiences without feeling like a negative light is being shone on me. As Black women, we exist on the fringes of society and we can reclaim our narratives by embracing softness and strength simultaneously. The softness needs to be harnessed within ourselves, to our own bodies, and the strength should come with instructing our partners on how to give us pleasure.
In my own life I have recently begun to have these conversations about what I like and what I don’t like. I realized that I was not even communicating with my own body about certain things; I didn’t know what I liked for such a long time. I went along with what the other person did because I didn’t feel like my needs were valid or relevant in the discussion or the act.
I think we all know what it is like to fake an orgasm for the benefit of our partner or to lay in bed after sex unsatisfied.
For me, self pleasure was an open vessel of knowledge about experimentation and discovery on how to communicate with my own body. I realized what exactly made me feel good and what things needed to be done in order to achieve pleasure and satisfaction. The things I learned from myself and by myself offered me the ability to know what to tell my partners.
It is a crucial aspect to generating and developing a healthy relationship with your partner to tell them what you need. You are doing yourself and them a disservice by not. The shame that you may feel will peel away once you begin to voice your truth, and all that will be left for you to feel is liberation. Even if you have these conversations during, before or after sex, figuring out what works for you is the first step. Whenever you have them you are teaching yourself and your partner that what your desires are important and necessary.
Some things you can discuss/ask yourself and your partner are:
1. What makes you feel pleasure?
2. What does not make you feel pleasure?
3. What do I like?
4. What do I not like?
5. How can we make sure we are both getting what we need/want?
6. How can I make sure I am getting what I need/want?
I have realized that communicating about these things is an act of courage, it will open up your relationship and yourself in new and profound ways the soul and body have never known. Which, for black women existing in this world is a revolution in itself. I know that society projects roles and titles onto us without asking for our approval. In order to know your body, you must talk to it, you must understand it’s curves, holes and folds. Within knowing, we are relaiming so much more than just ourselves. Our wombs are not dirty, our cycles are not heathen. They are the creators and bearers of lives destined for beauty. We do not have to be detached and dislocated from those things anymore if we chose not to be.
As told by
My name is Doriana Diaz, I am a afro-latina female creative. I attend Temple University in Philadelphia PA, where I study Gender, Sexuality, and Women’s Studies and Spanish.
is part of
a theme that the Black Girl Magik collective explored and invited the community to investigate with us through a practice of communal healing and coalition building.